bulllshitssss

................

ohh buddy

Im going out Saturday.... I'm really excited! Also classes start this week! :) A week from right now ill be sitting in class.

I need to learn and be patient and just take things as they come.

2012

What do I want to do this year?

I want to completely live in my own skin. I want to wake up everyday and be truly grateful that I am alive. I want to try new things, and take a little risk. I want to be so into Jesus, and learn to fully trust him in everything. I want to make a radical change. I want to help people. I want to follow a calling. I want to fall in love, hopelessly and hold nothing back. I want to give my all to someone. In 2012 I will respect myself more. I will only seek to be around others who respect me just as much. If I get in a relationship I will make sure that I am an equal part of that, I will require them to be just as into me and give a shit as I do about what they think of me. I'm not going to care about the status quo, or how I measure up to the society around me. I want to change and evolve to become a much more rounded person.

This year I want to hope, dream, wish, love, leap, learn, and believe. I wish to commit my whole life to the plan God has for me and to completely stop worrying about. I want to immerse myself in Jesus.

Two Ooohhhh Eleven

My 2011 new years list - in all its explanations

- LOVE

I dated a really nice guy, that should have stayed as just friends. I think I almost fell back in love with someone I shouldn't have.
- laughs

A ton of laughs at everything!
- friends

Made the greatest new friends with my move! Only THE BEST FRIEND
- stupid decisions

6 whole months of stupid decisions

- fantastic decisions
I moved!

- direction

I think I found it
- hope

Hope in God

- dreams

I still have crazy ones
- education

I learned some neat things, about myself too
- hot boys

yeahhhh I like one now
- boys that aren't hot

lets not talk about those

- learning experiences

Isn't life full of them?
- cute kids

I worked with some awesome kiddies! That I still miss. I get to see Bry all the time!
- family

I'm around my fam all the time!
- God

I feel a ton closer to God! He's doing great things in my life!
- growing

I am growing a ton closer to God, and I'm growing closer to people!
- equality

I freakin' hate racism, so that is not working so well.
- open mindedness

I'm pretty open minded
- acceptance
- unique

I believe in pretty unique still!
- wholly
- CHANGE

There is always change

It was a pretty Fantastic year!

Day

Had a super fantastic day!!! I hung out with my favorite boy, and the more time I spend with him the more I care for him. I think he is really awesome. He got me a real cute scarf and a totally precious bracelet. It will seriously get worn all the time!

I love my christmas presents. I seriously feel blessed by those in my life!

i hate being patient

square one my slate is clean

when I lay my cards out on the table, all of them, every last one. And I'm met with an "ok" and my heart instantly drops. And all I need to know is where I stand. I just need to hear a yes or no. Feeling the same as you did before? Completely unsure? Never entertaining the thought? What does that mean? You walk me to my car. You take me to dinner. Your Aunt tells me "that's why we are such a great couple." But we haven't been that for months. Your Grandma asking if I'm coming to christmas at your great grandparents. Your mom saying just listen to me. Buying a coat I say looks cute on you. In your arms I feel safe.
What am I supposed to do exactly? Well here is the thing.....I don't have someone else barking up my tree, and honestly I don't want someone else. Before I let PMS ruin how I viewed you. And Joey coming in a giving me what you weren't giving me. Which was exactly what I didn't need. That was me slipping back into my old ways. So I was confused. But I still cared. And I still do care. And honestly You are great! Your so sweet to me, and really care about those around you. And You really love God. And you work pretty hard. You really don't ask for things to be handed to you. Honestly My heart could be one hundred percent into this. And I hate myself for saying it. I honestly could cry right now because I just wanna know how you feel. And I haven't felt this way in a long time. And the last time I felt like this my heart was torn to pieces. But Your a good man. And everyone around sees that. My mom knows this whole thing, and She sees how I'm being vulnerable, and she thinks you wont hurt me. But this is a risk for me. Considering in already in this. My personality is either in or out, and baby I'm in. But if I'm hurt, oh well, because what is life if you don't take any chances. And If I'm stuck waiting oh well, I'll move on. But if something wonderful comes out of this it was so worth it.
I just pray I'm not stuck not knowing for long, I don't want to endure this insecurity for long. It doesn't work to well for me.