2013/2014 update

I hate I didn't do my yearly update last year. I know. Stupid. It's almost a year later and just now realized this.

2013 I got to wear my dress. I married my bestie. My whole life changed. But for the better. I changed, but it was great.

2014 I started out this year very ambitious. I get on a crazy healthy kick. We started budgeting. I started running. We accomplished so much so far. I love my life with matty. Not lying though it was tough too. I got my puppy I've always wanted. Had some heartache though. But that makes you stronger. I've accomplished more this year than I ever thought possible. I've pushed myself way beyond the limits I ever thought possible.

Stay tuned for my 2014 complete overview and my goals for 2015 :)

It's really funny to me to read old blogs and see how dilusional I was. I think back and shake my head at this little kid pretending to be grown I'm a mix of emotions this week. I saw my life get threatened and stability shook. I got infuriatingly mad and hurt. But tomorrow I get to go on my first real vacation with my matt. I'm so excited to visit ny, it still holds such of my heart. I can't wait to just walk around my neighborhood and think. Or sit on by back porch late and just talk. I can't wait to show that part of my life to matt. I'm excited. I can't sleep!

yearly reflection.

Yearly reflection post, A day early since tomorrow Ill be getting shitfaced with my love. Let Us review last years reflection blog..... "What do I want to do this year? I want to completely live in my own skin. I want to wake up everyday and be truly grateful that I am alive. I want to try new things, and take a little risk. I want to be so into Jesus, and learn to fully trust him in everything. I want to make a radical change. I want to help people. I want to follow a calling. I want to fall in love, hopelessly and hold nothing back. I want to give my all to someone. In 2012 I will respect myself more. I will only seek to be around others who respect me just as much. If I get in a relationship I will make sure that I am an equal part of that, I will require them to be just as into me and give a shit as I do about what they think of me. I'm not going to care about the status quo, or how I measure up to the society around me. I want to change and evolve to become a much more rounded person. This year I want to hope, dream, wish, love, leap, learn, and believe. I wish to commit my whole life to the plan God has for me and to completely stop worrying about. I want to immerse myself in Jesus. " I believe I achieved all of these things. I loved....and loved the Idea of love. I actually found what I think at this moment is true love. I experienced a ton of heartache mostly that I put myself through. I figured out what and who is most important to me. I learned to mostly not care what people think of me. I lost 30 pounds and more to come.....change! I got a new tattoo. I bought A fuckin gorgeous dress that I will only probably wear once. I found my love for Jesus. I turned 21. I took trips and met some of the greatest people ever. I am equal in relationships. 2012 did me good!! I fucking finished a degree!!!! 2013...... What could I seriously want from this year. I have everything I want. Well I would like to wear my dress this year, but Im not betting on that. I woulod like my own house. But I am happy! Bottom line I AM HAPPY!!!!

301 11:03 12/23 34

I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas eve! I went gambling yesterday, and drank and didn't do all that bad! This weekend was perfect. ;D don't even know how to express the happiness in this life!

300

He is not safe, but He is good....... I was reminded of this today. And it got me thinking. God is not safe,fact. He is good, fact. Good things He brings often times look to us like they have risks. This being said, I think I live my life without risks. Th past few months I've hurt a lot of people. And I don't like that at all. I don't like the idea of leaving distruction in my wake. To misquote John Green. others may be a drizzle, and I may be a hurricane, but I don't wish to destroy. So with this in mind I came close to losing someone I really cared about because of my stupidity. There was a week my heart was broken, I thought I had lost my best friend in the whole world. Someone who put up with my insanity, and is everthing I like in a human being. So as I am pouring my heart put expressing my apologies and the hurt I am feeling, I get shown Grace. I saw Jesus's love in that. So this is not safe, but it is good. I know this because I can laugh all the time. I have my bestfriend around, who likes music and shows, hiking and movies, rockband and beer, my craziness and stupidity, my dorkiness and cuteness. So as I was laying in bed a few minutes ago, I can't help but cry, for no reason but that I'm happy. I was looking at a damn picture and I thought my heart would burst. That's how I know this is good.

blogging.........

I hate that people get mad at me when I was trying to do the ri whatever! I'm blogging because I was told to blog. Um this weeghtk has been crazy, well make theApril was crazy. My garden is so awesome if I wanted to pick one thing in life it would probably be my garden, whoever knew I could garden. Ssshhhhh secret.....w....my sister is getting married.........she got her ring last night too.........shhhhh

21 on 3/21 at 3:21

can I get an Amen

I love my freakin life.

I feel like I somehow attract creepy guys recently and I don't like it.

Do I have a sign written on my forehead that I can't take care of myself.

Oh well.

v-day

I want to scream, and scream every obscenity I know. I'm trying to not dwell on the fact im the last single person of my entire adult family, minus an aunt and uncle that dont count. I feel like everyone if worried about me. But I'm fine, really. And fine is okay. Some days I wanna cry, but that's ok too. I think some people question my toughness/weakness state. And I guess I don't give myself enough credit or too much credit. Well who really knows. Can anyone adequately measure and figure out exactly where they stand? I doubt it. Some days I wish certain things turned out differently, and I wish I didn't try to rush my life. I wish I hadn't/didn't wish for the next step. Can't I take a f***ing breath and enjoy what I have? Can't I stop questioning every single step I'm taken or took? I guess this is my valentines blues. And a fucking dozen red roses, and chocolate, and bath salt, from a boy with a fucking fiance. That's whats bullshit. Kinda ironic that v-day is a holiday based on love, and for those in love its exactly that, but in actuality v-day was a massacre and to those who are single its just that. A massacre of the heart.

bulllshitssss

................

ohh buddy

Im going out Saturday.... I'm really excited! Also classes start this week! :) A week from right now ill be sitting in class.

I need to learn and be patient and just take things as they come.

2012

What do I want to do this year?

I want to completely live in my own skin. I want to wake up everyday and be truly grateful that I am alive. I want to try new things, and take a little risk. I want to be so into Jesus, and learn to fully trust him in everything. I want to make a radical change. I want to help people. I want to follow a calling. I want to fall in love, hopelessly and hold nothing back. I want to give my all to someone. In 2012 I will respect myself more. I will only seek to be around others who respect me just as much. If I get in a relationship I will make sure that I am an equal part of that, I will require them to be just as into me and give a shit as I do about what they think of me. I'm not going to care about the status quo, or how I measure up to the society around me. I want to change and evolve to become a much more rounded person.

This year I want to hope, dream, wish, love, leap, learn, and believe. I wish to commit my whole life to the plan God has for me and to completely stop worrying about. I want to immerse myself in Jesus.

Two Ooohhhh Eleven

My 2011 new years list - in all its explanations

- LOVE

I dated a really nice guy, that should have stayed as just friends. I think I almost fell back in love with someone I shouldn't have.
- laughs

A ton of laughs at everything!
- friends

Made the greatest new friends with my move! Only THE BEST FRIEND
- stupid decisions

6 whole months of stupid decisions

- fantastic decisions
I moved!

- direction

I think I found it
- hope

Hope in God

- dreams

I still have crazy ones
- education

I learned some neat things, about myself too
- hot boys

yeahhhh I like one now
- boys that aren't hot

lets not talk about those

- learning experiences

Isn't life full of them?
- cute kids

I worked with some awesome kiddies! That I still miss. I get to see Bry all the time!
- family

I'm around my fam all the time!
- God

I feel a ton closer to God! He's doing great things in my life!
- growing

I am growing a ton closer to God, and I'm growing closer to people!
- equality

I freakin' hate racism, so that is not working so well.
- open mindedness

I'm pretty open minded
- acceptance
- unique

I believe in pretty unique still!
- wholly
- CHANGE

There is always change

It was a pretty Fantastic year!

Day

Had a super fantastic day!!! I hung out with my favorite boy, and the more time I spend with him the more I care for him. I think he is really awesome. He got me a real cute scarf and a totally precious bracelet. It will seriously get worn all the time!

I love my christmas presents. I seriously feel blessed by those in my life!

i hate being patient

square one my slate is clean

when I lay my cards out on the table, all of them, every last one. And I'm met with an "ok" and my heart instantly drops. And all I need to know is where I stand. I just need to hear a yes or no. Feeling the same as you did before? Completely unsure? Never entertaining the thought? What does that mean? You walk me to my car. You take me to dinner. Your Aunt tells me "that's why we are such a great couple." But we haven't been that for months. Your Grandma asking if I'm coming to christmas at your great grandparents. Your mom saying just listen to me. Buying a coat I say looks cute on you. In your arms I feel safe.
What am I supposed to do exactly? Well here is the thing.....I don't have someone else barking up my tree, and honestly I don't want someone else. Before I let PMS ruin how I viewed you. And Joey coming in a giving me what you weren't giving me. Which was exactly what I didn't need. That was me slipping back into my old ways. So I was confused. But I still cared. And I still do care. And honestly You are great! Your so sweet to me, and really care about those around you. And You really love God. And you work pretty hard. You really don't ask for things to be handed to you. Honestly My heart could be one hundred percent into this. And I hate myself for saying it. I honestly could cry right now because I just wanna know how you feel. And I haven't felt this way in a long time. And the last time I felt like this my heart was torn to pieces. But Your a good man. And everyone around sees that. My mom knows this whole thing, and She sees how I'm being vulnerable, and she thinks you wont hurt me. But this is a risk for me. Considering in already in this. My personality is either in or out, and baby I'm in. But if I'm hurt, oh well, because what is life if you don't take any chances. And If I'm stuck waiting oh well, I'll move on. But if something wonderful comes out of this it was so worth it.
I just pray I'm not stuck not knowing for long, I don't want to endure this insecurity for long. It doesn't work to well for me.

ever feel like your in a constant state of thought. That your looking for something you just cant seem to find? i guess i know exactly what im looking for

run,run,run....run right into you

Thanksgiving....fantastic! I completely love my family, even though they are insane and nosy. I adore Bryan, still to this day he is my all-time favorite kid. His imagination is freakin fantastic! Best kid i know! <3 my prayers are for real with my aunt though she needs jesus so bad!! its like one thing after another with that lady. I am growing to love my dad and his side of the family a little more each time im around them! And I have the cutest little cousin, for real, rachel is wonderful!

Im going to be Auntie Meg!! of course no blood relation but still!!! WOOFREAKINGHOO!!!

So Im trying a new chruch tomorrow, Morg and I can't decide on one we like, and we just need to jump in and get involved somewhere.

stupid cycles

I love when you get smacked upside the face with something......its great..... And I love when I see my mistakes staring so blatantly back in my face. I guess thats what needs to happen to break me of stupid cycles.

Then stupid boy in texas has to go and tell me he misses me, and can't wait to see me and that he wont forget me. Way to break that open again......... stupid cycles.

a fault ive realized i just in head first way to quick