Newness

New things scare me at times, but its the thing i absolutely want the most. I see my life opening up and becoming completely new, and its something I've always wanted but at the same time it makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry. Tomorrow 2009, will be my year, I can feel it. Maybe Im expecting to much but i doubt it, I have the feeling of this is the year i will prove myself, but I have nothing i need to prove. Maybe this is me proving things to myself. I have decided that I am going to stop this stupid procrastinating that I do, i hate it. I feel like someone looking at my life from the outside, they couldnt tell that i have passion about so many things and i really want to change the world, even if that is just my little slice of it, but I'm not limiting myself to just changing my piece of the world i want to change it all. I think that is something i will never be able to fully explain my passion for the world. I started to question my plans, and it scared me, I quess thats just a part of life right. Back to this being my year, I feel like I'm begining a whole new chapter, and its incredible, but scary, I feel like I'm making friends now that aren't just superficial,and years from now we might still be friends. I'm happy, and really anticipating everything. This year was incredible and went by so fast, I made amazing friends, had some really life changing experiences, that i wouldnt change for the world. Well for now im going

Snow!

I love snow and snow days!

Life

I love Life! Im coming, once again, to the realization I absolutely love my life! I love the people, the places, the good, and even the bad. I am going to do great things, and no one can hold me back. Im going to stop letting little insecurities hold me back from what i want! I 've had enough. My realization of the week!!!

oh man

so im realizing music is the antibiotic for me soul, well really playing instruments, just feeling it beneath your fingertips, and having something come out, its just the over feeling of beauty. Its the song of your soul. so how this realization started was with the piano, it eases me, just playing something does. John came over today, and he brought his guitar over, so i decided to get mine out and show him, and my love for my little piece of magic returned. the strings just send something straight to my heart and tell me the world is perfectly fine, or at least my world. So bryan left, and i miss him, he left a hole in my heart, but its ok. friday i went with tabatha to take him and my aunt to the city to take the train home. We Left at 3am so we are driving and listening to the Juno soundtrack, and one of the songs bry goes "this is a cowboy song" and we just laughed and said "yeah bry it is." that kid has his whole freakin life ahead of him and i just hope things get better for him. Also we went through the lincoln tunnel and i convinced him if he was quiet enough he could heard the water, fish and boats. He said that he could. Today I was cleaning my room i found a transformers walkie talkie, and it reminded me of all the times he was supposed to be in bed but he would bring the walkie talkie to me so he could talk to me....all these great memories i have from this little kid but i know this is best. Its just hard. Morgan and I were talking and we were discussing what we did before he came, we came to the resolution we were just plain nerds and did nothing. Thats changing.(new subject) I've started getting christmas presents, that makes me so happy, i love christmas. I need to rest sometimes, i run myself to hard, if going to try and balance things better. I think thats about it

Thanksgiving

sI can seriously not believe its thanksgiving already, and the day is over. The past year has been the best of times and the worst of times, but i look back and the good outweighs the bad in some things, and in others i find it worse. But that is life with the good and the bad. Reflecting on the thanksgiving meal, it takes hours and sometimes days to make, then have you ever realized its gone within 20 mins, and your stuck with the leftovers for days. This was one year that i did absolutely no cooking, I straightened up my house! and it was completely ok with me that i didnt cook. Yana, my madre, tab and morgan did an excellant Job! We all go to Yana's and i feel like one day, when we are all grown up, everyone will be at my house, and it will just be the best of times, I cant wait for ten years from now and we all look back and are just amazed about everything that has happened in our lives. Ok venture inside my brain for a second, It will help explain this more.........Ten years from now i see myself hopefully, im my cute little house, with ,maybe a husband, ill be 27, my sisters and their children, i doubt ill have kids yet, but us all at my house, which is warm and colorful, enjoying our thanksgiving then putting up the christmas tree, and watching movies and playing games and talking about all of our fantastic thanksgivings we had. I want to start traditions, im all about that cozy feeling of doing the same things every year because thats the way it is. Just like cookie day!..........ok back to the real world........ I havent been sleeping enough, but im okay with that actually, its weird i know........I feel like my life is about to change drastically and im not sure if i like it, but at the same time im really welcomeing the change from the everyday monotony, I feel like i am all over the place, and i feel like i cant stay focused very well, i dont think this is that good. Changes that are taking place are, my aunt comes wednesday........bryan will be leaving sometime next weekend, this is crushing my world, and Part of me is happy because it will make my life a bit easier, and every kid does deserve to be with their mom, but i just want her to f*** up too, so he comes back, but i dont at the same time, it confuses me, and i just feel like when should i get close to people if they just leave then leave this huge whole that i have to try and fill with something, and i dont want this to make me resentful, and it to close me off, because that has happened before. I want to be able to love other people and not be scared they will leave, i guess this is just something i will have to work on........ I'm sick of superficial friendships. They really bring me down, like some of my best friends i havent talked to in about a week, and we havent had a real indepth conversation sice long before that, and i dont like when that becomes ok, it frustrates me. College! wow im really excited for it, and im almost there, i need to stop my procrastination and do what i need to do, because i have things that i really feel i need to do. On a differant note, I realized how much i appreciate my mom today, she is the most incredible woman i know, and Im so proud of her. And wow i love her, and i forget this sometimes, well not that i forget that i love my mom but i forget how much and how truely incredible she is and how much she loves me. I will never be able to thank god enough for her. She has been through so much, and she continues to put other people before herself, and still try to make herself a better person. She sees hard things and she faces them head on. I could go on forever describing how amazing she is, she has taught me to much, and for that i am truly grateful. I met a very cute child today, and i instantly loved him the moment i saw him. and it was so cool, that there was this instantanious connection, and i found that to be amazing! Im really thankful for all the people that are in my life right now, and just being able to wake up each day, having no one to look down on me. Im starting to feel free, and i want to ride the wind, fly like a bird, take a road trip, swim in the beach, hug a friend, taste the snow, see the northern lights, dream of my future, paint in black and white, surf the waves, fall asleep laughing. oh another thing, im dog sitting. Good night my loves

blog time

ok so time for an update on my life.....
Im starting too miss all my friends that i never get to see, good thing some of them come home soon from college, but Im trying to fix my missing of friends that are here but i never see, hence when im so glad john is here. So my grades are not up to the level i like them to be, what i will be working on fixing for the next 5 weeks. I've already made it 1/4 of the way through senior year! I get my SAT scores back next week, which im sure will tell me that i need to retake them in January, but i'll cross that bridge when i get there. Also i realized this week i seriously should start saving my money. Because college will be expensive. Bryan is leaving in about 2 1/2 weeks, that is making me sad, but if its what Giod wants it will be ok. I am once again brodening my musical horizons, its somethng i never really stop doing i just get lazy. No more laziness for me though. I think thats just about it, good night my loves

its been a while since ive wrote something, yeah im bored with my life, i started making decisions that were starting to really screw up my life, i dont like that, so im on the road to recovery i guess you could say, I found myself becoming exactly the kind of person i always hated. I feel like a hypocrite. Im starting now and trying to get back to what really matters. I feel like this is a never ending cycle i find myself in. I think i need to slow down and smell the flowers, take a breath, and realize all these wonderful things around me that keep happening. I feel lost......I dont like that....I feel like im going in a million differant directions. And I realized some other things to, about how i just cant let go of stuff that i really should, i dont like that. And its not like i can blame in on anyone but myself. I realized this week, or today, my procrastinating needs to stop, I have all these things i want to do, Three careers i want before i die, and the way im going now it wont be happening, so im changing that too, or at least trying to. If procrastinating is in my genetic make-up i think its a harder task than i think. I realized i've been really self absorbed, and just selfish, its stupid and i hate myself for that. So as of now, or earlier im turning over a new leaf, im not exactly sure what that means but, Im going to do things i truly love, and hang out with people that want to be good people like me, not people that corrupt me, Im going to be a good friend, and not self absorbed, well this is my hope and dreams for tonight

talk

Sometimes i dont talk to you because i think your busy,
but i still do want to talk to you, i still want you to call

lots and lots

so things have been hard
and they get better, but then they get harder again
Its when i finally feel like i'm over somethings
them something new happens, and i just regress a little
I don't like this so much............I feel like i'm in this constant cycle
We've been talking about death a lot......
And its helped me realize somethings, such as
I need to slow down, i took a drive today, just to drive and it was wonderful
I need to tell people how much they mean to me
It makes me think about if i am really making a difference
In my little piece of the world, I don't really know
These days all i want to do is sit around drinking tea,
and talk to all the people that really mean something to me
I'm starting to feel helpless........i don't like that
Even a part of me feels scared....i don't like that either

You...................

Im letting you make the first move
That will show me how much you still care
I think I've analyzed to much
I need to just be calm
To let whatever happens to happen
Im not going to try to change things
To be the way I want them to be
It's your move, all your move
You have to understand
Everyday is a battle
And I never know how it's going to end
I know that Im hurting
I know that no matter what
you still have that place in my heart
I know this
I cant make your decision
I never want to
I want you to choose
It's you, It's all you
You have to make the move
And I have to let go
And be okay no matter what

I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down

They say actions speak louder than words
But at the end out the day
all you want is to hear is
words to back up all the actions
because without anything spoken
it starts to feel like there is no significance
behind anything that was done
Its a bunch of empty things you have to grasp
Its the same thing with words
there has to be actions to back up words too
without them its just grasping at thin air
This leaves you feeling empty

goodness..........

I found my soul again, Im not so sure
What happened to make it this way
Or exactly how I had lost a piece of myself
But it took a lot of heartache to get it back
Its nothing I would take back
That pain is what made me who I am
I've begun to realize that your life really is nothin
If you don't go through rough times
To appreciate the good times...........

Passion

Today I discovered my true passion
Well it was there all along
I just choose to follow it today
All great things and small
Were made from a choice
Somewhere along the way
You can take the easy way
Or take the way your unsure of
Either way, You have to be happy
Not resenting the choice you made
So I am choosing the way I dont know
I am deciding to take a leap of faith

All you need is love............

I picked you, yesterday
I picked you, Today
I will pick you, Tomorrow
And I will you pick you, the day after that
This is the way my life is
I dont see any other choice
Either way I feel like Im dieing inside
But every day, I try to pick up the broken peices
and fit myself back together
Its one of the hardest battles I've ever faced
And I cant give up now
I would be giving up not only on myself
I would be giving up on you
This is where I'm at today
I have a feeling this is where I will be tomorrow
Tomorrow isn't promised yet
So I dont know if I'll ever know